Cold Hearted-Cold Love

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This article is called “Cold Hearted-Cold Love.” I want to start with a few definitions of the terms,  cold hearted, cold love. The states the term was first used in the works of Shakespeare around 1600. The term being defined today as, “lacking in feeling or warmth; unkind.” The Oxford Dictionary says, cold hearted is, “unfeeling · unloving · uncaring · unsympathetic · unemotional · unfriendly · uncharitable · unkind · insensitive · hard-hearted · stony-hearted · heartless · hard · cold.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

I will try to express how and why people become cold hearted and develop cold love. What factors would cause a cold heart to develop cold love. I was a little surprise to find on the internet an article on “Wiki-How” giving 5 detailed instructions on how to become cold hearted then become good at cold love. I also think I am smart enough to know that today’s society want all the benefits of what we call love without a commitment.

We see this happening not just in marriage or friendships, but in dating relationships. It happens in families and society. A large part of this comes from the selfishness of one person who says, “I can do whatever I want. I want things my way, no one has the right to tell me what to do. I am my own boss, I am in control. Take me or leave me just the way I am and I do not want to change it.”                                                          6825171095_d52f040181_b


I just made a strong statement because I said, “No commitment, no love.” When someone takes away their commitment in a relationship, they also take away their love. They withdraw their love with their commitment. Yes, it is the love that fades and dies, but it is the commitment that makes it grow and keeps it going. Acceptance, dedication and their responsibility in the relationship starts to die.

In any relationship if there is no commitment then there is no real unity. You can selfishly quit the relationship even when the love may be sensitive, affectionate, kind, gentle and tender. Many say, “It’s time for me to move on, I need my space.”  Ever hear that?

Compassion fades and dies when selfishness takes over. Even in a marriage relationship there are problems with faults, failures and mistakes. It is not unusual to see one spouse develop an unforgiving attitude. He or she will use it as an excuse. Another way to justify taking away their commitment and love. Too many find a way or reason, not to forgive then quits. 


What are the effects of cold love and a cold heart? No peace, joy or satisfaction. No fellowship with each other. Anger, disappointment with the other or both. Bitterness, an unforgiving spirit and bad attitudes surface. They have a definite lack of communication. Couples often stop talking, communicating, then lose interest in their mate.                                                                                                                                      529581_292839377513324_293820919_n (Large)


Now here is a real standard for today, No strings attached. Give me sex, pleasure and passion when I want it. We can agree to continue on this way. No real love. No responsibility and absolutely, No commitment. Do not look for any up front and know you will not get one. I say, “That’s a game.”

I actually saw this today on Facebook. A young lady was in an argument with her boyfriend. From what I could see on their pages, they had been dating for well over a year. She asked him, “How committed are you to me?” His reply to her was this, “I will be committed to booty calls and that is all.”  Now that is cold. 

Commitment and love will fade then die, when a cold heart gives cold love. How many times have you heard a friend or relative say, ” I have a problem in my relationship. He will just not commit.” I think that statement is made many times every day. It may be the biggest problem in relationships today. 

I think this is a real problem in marriages when one person’s love and commitment turns cold. They walk off and leave a spouse and children. They ditch their responsibilities and commitment to their very own children then leave. Just look at the number of single home parents raising children by themselves. Even the Bible says, ” A house divided cannot stand.” Mark 3:25


I want to turn to a real authority on this subject, to God. He is a lot smarter and wiser than I ever will be. Jesus said in Matthew 24:10-12 ” 10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax (grow) cold.                                                                      couple-praying

II Timothy 3:1-4 ” This know also, that in the last days perilous (dangerous) times shall come. 2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, 4 Traitors, heady, high minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God.”

I hope you noticed a few things in these verses. 1. The love of many will grow cold. 2. People will be lovers of themselves. 3. People will be lovers of pleasure. 4. People will be without natural affection. My thoughts are, “That is, cold love and a cold heart.”


I am writing this article today February 10, 2015, this very day we see in the news, another man has been arrested. He drove to a bridge, stopped his car, then threw his own baby into the water to die. This is happening more and more. Parents killing their own children in various ways? Read the verse above, without natural affection. 

A friend of mine said, ” Oh, he must be mental?” I said, “He may be mental, but what got him to that mental state?” How cold, hard and calloused can a person become? Even to be without natural affection for their own children? I believe, “Cold love is no love and it is produced from a cold heart.” This is not true or genuine love. It is conditional. 


God’s love is called agape. His love is unconditional and comes with an eternal commitment. His love gives, it does not take. Cold hearted love does not come from God. It’s not what God has ever wanted or intended in a relationship or marriage. People tend to forget; their marriage vows are not just a declaration of love to each other. They are also a declaration of their commitment to each other. 

Do you think you can separate true love from commitment? Does this help you evaluate your own relationship or marriage? I am interested in your opinion. If I can help you in any way, then please let me know. Thoughts and comments are welcome here, so leave them below in the comment section. Enjoy the video below Ray.


This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. Eoinmc

    There’s a great old folk song – The Water is Wide – with a line in it ‘but love grows old, and it waxes cold and fades away like the morning dew’
    You raise some interesting questions here. Luckily I am in a very stable relationship with a young son and we are very happy, even though the initial flush has gone a long time ago. For us, I think it is our acceptance of each other’s weaknesses and failings. We do get annoyed with each other every now and then, but we often recognise that it’s our own irritability with ourselves rather than with the other. I don’t know if that makes sense to you?

  2. Ray

    Thank you Eoinmc, You use the word acceptance and that is needed in any relationship. We all have strengths and weaknesses. You do make a lot of sense to me.

  3. Ray

    Thank you for your insight and comment. I visited your website and you have very good content. You article and information is informative and practical. I hope many will come and visit your site and learn from it. I am honored to meet you and stay in touch.

  4. Pammie

    I believed n love your article most of this Im experiencing in my marriage my husband is very very cold ,I feel really hurt cause Im giving my all and in return there’s nothing for me at times i want to be loved and have that affection from him but he will never show or give it to me,I must say one very good thing is that he is a Good provider for his family .Im a Christian I pray and trust in God that one day my husband will be loving.

  5. Ray

    Thank you Mrs. Pammie for your kind words. I am sorry for your pain in that kind of relationship. I counselled in homes for year and saw too much of this. I know a person will n3ver change until they see the need and want to. I lived this myself for 30 years and I do totally understand. I hope you will take the chance to read my article called “What is true love.” I may help you. Please come back anytime. RAY

  6. Agneta

    I have been married almost 55 years. 541/2 years I never received a hug a kiss or have his arms put around me. I don’t understand what was the purpose for him to want to marry me. He has shown he has no feelings. He grew up and living on the street when he was 12 years old during world war 2. He is good, kind and sweet. I can have anything I want. During our wedding ceremony the kiss was cold. I don’t even call it a kiss. I felt then something was wrong. When we dated he was very much a gentleman and gave kisses. I lived in hell for almost fourteen years. My father was a alcoholic bully. He would get drunk two to three times a week and beat me and my mom up. He tortured me alot. I am surprised I am still alive. When I was three and a half to four and a half years old I was going to Sunday school. I was learning most of the time about Jesus. Very little about GOD. When my father would come home drunk when I was in bed sleeping I got woken up. He was abusing my mother and I was afraid he was going to kill her and then kill me. I prayed hard asking God and Jesus to come and help us. God and Jesus came in a cloud. Saw God’s face but not his head because there was small cloud around his head. Jesus face I saw clearly. God spoke to me and asked me, whom do I want to speak to. And, I answered, I would like to speak to Jesus because I know more about him. Jesus came down from the cloud and stood at the end of my bed and asked me what he could do for me. I said, “Please help me and my mom. I think he is going to really hurt us and maybe even kill us. ” Jesus, then said to lay down and everything will be okay. Before I knew it Jesus was gone and my mother came in and said, “All is fine, you can go to sleep now.” This scene happen many times Jesus will come and help. I am very close to GOD and Jesus. God told me “I know you are sad and hurt but always have LOVE in your heart for everyone, even the ones that are hurting you and make you sad.” I have all this love in my heart for everyone. It is a very good feeling. When I dated my husband my sister turned on me. She is eight years younger. She didn’t want me to date nor get married. She became a Bully on my wedding day by throwing as hard as she could a hand full of hard rice smack in my face She has been a bully for almost 55 years now of and on. My grandfather molested me when I was ten and a half. My tears comes often from my hurt and sadness. Most of my life I have kept so busy so I wouldn’t feel my hurt, pain and sadness. The tears would come in the evening when I was not busy. Today and the last couple of years I am not busy. The tears are always there. I don’t have to think about the things that happen to me. When my son got married she started bullying me. She didn’t like me helping my son getting a business. I would be throwing up five to six times a day. Three times during that two year period I was throwing up seven times a day. I did see a therapist. I really needed help. The things my ex-daughter- in -law did to me, my therapist called evil. She even threaten my son for a divorce if he would come to see his own parents. So, he told her, then we get a divorce because you are not going to stop me from seeing my parents. When I was six and half my mother was going to send me off to my paternal grand-parents house. The boat would take off three o’clock in the afternoon and arrive nine o’clock in the morning. I pleaded with my mom not to send me off by myself. I was scared. I was worried I would not see my mother ever again. I thought my father would kill her. I knew I wouldn’t be much of a help. I wanted to be there with my mom. I couldn’t understand why she is doing this to me. So when I was waving good-bye, I said to myself. Since you don’t want me mom, I am going to jump overboard. I made my plans and waited for the people to leave the railing. Now, I saw my chance. I started walking slowly toward the railing. Here comes a man out and walks next to me. Then comes a couple out and walks in front of me. More people comes out and the railing is full of people again. I turn around to see what is going on. Here is Jesus sending out all those people. I have been asking GOD to please take me home. God keeps on telling me soon. I do not know what soon means anymore. The time I wanted to stay alive was to raise my son and daughter to see them grow up and be wonderful, loving adults. And, they are just that and wonderful parents. I am very blessed to have such wonderful children and grand-children. It still does not take away my hurt and sadness. I am very happy when I am around them. We laugh a lot which is good for me.

  7. Ray

    Hello Agneta, I approved your comment here on my website Whats True Love. I do appreciate your honesty and openness regarding your life. If anyone understands I do. Maybe you come back and read my article called “I love you, dad.” I do understand living a life of devastation, hurt, pain and misery. The big question is always “WHY?” I do know this, it either makes you bitter or better. Either we control it or it will control you. I use it to make sure that I do not raise my children the way I was raised. These are the things that mold us one way or another. I chose to do better and be better. I chose to never do the same to my kids as was done to me. I want to tell this you this. I think maybe you have not realized yet how much of an impact you have and can make in the lives of your children. THAT IS WORTH EVERYTHING. God knows the end results. I see so many of the greatest evangelists and greatest preaches I have ever known say, “The greatest influence in my life was my MOTHER.” I would very much like to have the opportunity to talk to you. I have my own Christian chatroom and would be honored if you would come and visit it there. We could get to know each other and share more. Here is the web address in case you are interested. It is also listed on the main page of this website and says, ENTER CHATROOM that is a direct link to it. I do hope to hear from you soon. GOD BLESS YOU—RAY

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